Reading is my passion. It is my safe-zone. It is, when I’m allowed to cry, to let feelings be feelings. I don’t think while reading, I drown into the story, become a quite person in it, watching the scene. Or experiencing an adventure.
I used to only read Thriller. Psychothriller as a preference. But the moment I got a novel from my mum for my birthday, I realized how much I’ve longed for… Well, peace. Since there isn’t much in my own life. Just having a book, a story pressed against my chest makes me feel more comfortable.
But reading isn’t the only thing I do.
I write. But since September I didn’t… Not a single sentence… It upsets me. Because I really want to! But, whenever I try, it starts getting harder each sentence. Feelings. I don’t know how to express myself, I forgot words of my mother tongue even though I need it every day. I have a hard time to express myself, when not talking or writing in English. It’s the only time I don’t feel stupid, I feel more like the opposite. I feel comfortable. I feel like I’m more aware of what I’m saying, less insecure of how I try to say things. So I thought I should write in English, but there’s a problem: I’ve never learned that. And I’m actually bad at grammar, which I’m trying to teach myself. I’m scared to write wrong. I really am. I’ve never had the guts to show my German-written stories before, how could I ever manage to write something completely in English and actually let people read it?
Why can’t I be more confident… Or at least NOT German. I may be born there, I may be 100% German if you look at the Biological side, but I’ve never been it in my heart. The moment I started learning English, the moment I was able to build my first sentence, was like all those years, I wasn’t able to talk at all.