Sometimes I Want to Die

But then I don’t. To be honest I only have one reason to not die and keep going. One. And that is that I do not want to die in a girls body. I don’t want my birthname written on my gravestone. I’d be a girl in everyones memory. Only the thought of it makes me feel nauseous. I want to be remembered as the person I really am, so that’s why I can’t die yet. Even though it’s hard to be patient and wait because my dysphoria never leaves me alone, there are no breaks in between, it’s constantly present.
But I still consider it. I consider suicide on my worst days because then I am so very sure that I can not take it anymore. There are two kinds of pain: the one you can get used to, so you don’t feel anything anymore. Everything is just numb, to the point that you’d maybe even prefer the pain. And then there’s the kind you simply can’t get used to no matter how hard you try, no matter how long it already hurts you. It just never gets better. And that’s the kind of pain dysphoria gives you.

Yesterday I’ve tried to explain why I’m so utterly disgusted by my genitals and in the end I was lost in words. “disgusting” wasn’t disgusting enough. I can’t describe it, it’s such a strong feeling that it can not be put into words.
I don’t even want to touch it. I despise washing it. I don’t even shower regularly because I hate having to touch my body. I hate having to look at it. In the shower I’m lost and unprotected. No place to hide. So that’s why I clean myself once a week, twice at most and only if I feel strong enough to bear it. Hell, I can’t even sleep normally! Lying on my side means the lumps of fat will squish together and my curves are more present, so I have to lie on my stomach or back. I often throw up before I go to sleep because it makes me feel exhausted and tired which helps me fall asleep faster. It’s upsetting that I’m still so much into my eating disorder. But in the end my dysphoria is the reason why I’m even suffering one. That’s why I’m almost 100% certain that it’ll go away once I have fully transitioned. Sure, it’s still not only a habit but an addiction, so it’ll take time, but I’m sure it’ll be so, so much easier while feeling comfortable in my own body.

It’s my body, but it often feels like the body of a stranger. I know this body, but at the same time I do not. Not one bit. It’s a cage, a prison. And I can’t exchange it, I can’t just swap bodies with somebody else. Sadly it’s my burden and I have to make the best out of it. Even though it’s simply unfair. What have I done to deserve this torture?

Sometimes I want to die. But then I don’t.
Because I want to die as a boy. As a man. Physically.
But when I have reached that goal, there’s nothing left to die for.

That’s why I will stay alive and fight and I hope you will too.

 

♠Sylveran♠

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6 thoughts on “Sometimes I Want to Die

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  1. Hey man.
    Sounds like you´re having a hard time. I´m familiar with this level of dysphoria, I have it too. I use the word „loathing“ to describe it regularly.
    There are a few things that could perhaps help with your dysphoria. Have you heard of open binding? Depending on your size chest, you could go for kinesiology tape (KT or Rock Tape for example). It helps with showering and sleeping. You can at least reduce the fat a bit. I wrote a couple of posts about it.
    I can relate to wondering why you deserve this torture. But maybe life is just random like that. Some people get the wrong reactions to bread and some people get the wrong body. Life is weird like that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I will read more about that tape on your blog, people always tell me it’s unsafe so yea.. (at least my chest is less than an A cup, so it could really help a lot)
      Dysphoria is the worst thing really. I’m glad that I don’t have suicidal thoughts that often, but the disgust etc is a daily thing, of course there are “good” days too, but it’s still present and easily triggered.
      I’m glad that people understand me even though nobody should feel that way.
      Thank you for your comment!

      Like

  2. I’m with you all the way, although I’m transitioning from male to female. If you like you could check out my post „Ode to my penis before it is gone“ I didn’t think I could write such a thing. and it turned out different that expected. Our bodies are hard to work with bro. damn hard

    Liked by 1 person

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