It’s Been 10 Years

Trigger warning; eating disorder
I was 10 years old when I first pushed my fingers down my throat. It was the first time I forced my body to puke, when I became addicted to the feeling. The feeling of control, the pain in my throat, my stomach tightening, the pressure that causes vessels to burst creating little bruises. The feeling of pure exhaustion. I was 10 when I got Bulimia Nervosa. I knew it’s hard to keep it a secret, especially at my age. My parents looked after me. So I needed a solution. I didn’t want anyone to ask why I’m doing what I was doing. I didn’t want to tell them, that I felt like a boy instead of a girl. I didn’t want them to be angry. So I starved myself when I knew it’d be harder to not throw up. It went well. Everything worked out. And it held back my puberty. 
It took them 3 years to find out about my eating disorder. It was the time when throwing up every once in a while wasn’t enough anymore. I got bullied in school, I didn’t have any friends and I wished to not be noticed since all the attention I got was negative. I started cutting my skin. That was what made my parents realize that something was going on. I didn’t want to talk. I started therapy. Several times, never taking it seriously, always lying, pretending. They asked me why I was starving myself, not knowing that I threw up as well. I tried to explain, I thought “Maybe they will understand” but they didn’t. I told them how much I’m disgusted by my own body. And how I especially hate my chest, hips and basically everything that developed throughout puberty so far. I didn’t tell them about my hate for my genitals. So they told me and my parents that I’m scared growing up, that I want to stay a child. And they sent me to a mental hospital.They’ll never understand me. Never. I have to live like this.”

So I started to pretend even more. I used a lot of makeup, wore dresses and skirts all the time and aggressively told everybody how much I love being a woman. They believed me. They all did. Without a second thought. But things didn’t get better, they got worse.
I was 16 when I was diagnosed with chronic depression and Bulimia Nervosa. And I remember how much I missed being in the community. I was Pro Ana ever since I was 11 just because they looked up at me and they thought I was a boy. Online I was the boy I should’ve been. But most of the people I liked either died or decided to stop, so they recovered and disappeared forever. There was no place for me anymore.

It wasn’t until this year, being 20 years old, that I came out as transgender. Why didn’t I tell anyone sooner? Trust me, I regret it. I wish I’d have just screamed it out loud. Crying for help. I wish, because then I could’ve stopped pretending sooner. I already could be were I want to be. I could be the boy only I can see. I envy those around me who are so much younger, already taking hormones, waiting to be 18 so they’re allowed to get their surgeries. I envy them so, so much I started hating them. I know that’s wrong, but I can’t help it. I can’t hang out anymore with anyone either being bulimic, anorexic or simply younger than me and taking hormones.

And I miss my bulimia. I’m trying to recover for the sake of my transition, but it was a huge part of my life for 10 years already. I purged 30 to 60 times every day for years. I never was heavier than 97lbs/43kg, being about 5’2/156cm. The weight is not the problem. I swear. It’s my body, it’s the fact that the more I weight the more feminine I look and I’m terrified of that. I tried to kill my feminine body half of my life.

I don’t know how to deal with anything negative in a normal way. I know I need to learn it, but it’s incredibly hard.

 

♠Sylveran♠

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13 thoughts on “It’s Been 10 Years

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  1. Can i tell you something u must be fighting hard but you know what people consider me anorexic which i m not i am 5’1“ and i m 37 kg n i m 21 years old.. But you i love my skin despite what shape it gives yes i want to be healthy but the most important thing that i have to be happy in my skin not giving pain to my body n especially mentally i hope you understand.. Because i was also just like you hating my body pinching scratching hating it but soon realising that it will only give me pain to my soul n you know today i am so much happy the way i am.. I am not here to impress anyone but myself i listen i sing songs n i just geve happiness to my body not pain 😊😊 lots of love to u

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I know you’re right but Dysphoria isn’t something you can overcome like an eating disorder or selfhate. It’s only eased by HRT and surgeries… in some cases it stays forever.
      But I very much appreciate your kind words. Don’t let people tell you, that you’ve got an eating disorder if you really do eat without any problems. Eating disorders are NOT defined by weight. It’s deadly due to the lack of nutrition the body gets. So there are cases of overweight and normal weighted people who’ve died because of their eating disorder.
      As long as you feel good and you take care of yourself there’s nothing to worry about 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Can i share something with you.. You know sometimes i feel when i was 12 years old or smaller i wanted to be a boy not a girl i hate the feeling to be called a girl… But soon if i have been made a girl i have to live with it though today also i dnt feel comfortable dat much my body dont know why.. But ya now i know that i have a mind of a boy like and body of a girl and i accept it with a smile because i know my identity and i dnt need to prove to others because i m grateful that i m happy at the soul level which is the most wonderful thing to think about
        And yes i know i saw your previous posts that u r suffering from dysphoria… Its sad n i can understand how bad it feels when u want to scream out to the world that ur soul is not a girl its a boy… But why be sad when u know u r a boy. Why create a image of a boy when ur heart knows u r a boy.. Why to tell anyone who r we because many a times what we want to hear from people we dnt get to listen it.. Which makes us feel broken.. I know u r a boy.. I just want to stay i see u through ur soul not through ur body and thats much more imp what u r actually from the soul..

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      2. I want them to know and acknowledge it because before I came out I seriously considered suicide and actually attempted it several times. I am not able to live as a girl in a girls body.
        If someone would tell me that I won’t get testosterone (I will get it in October) I wouldn’t have any reason to live. I know it sounds awful but that’s exactly how it is.
        I hope you understand me.

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      3. I am understanding you… But tell me one thing there are some people who are born with no gender neither man nor woman.. Their whole life goes out with a question as who they are actually but though they live their life the way they want.. Some become females some males with makeup n dressup though their body face or voice dont match with it sometimes… They dont attempt suicide they feel grateful that they have a chance to live.. I know u want to scream out to the world about your identity.. But dont be so hard on urself… See i know u r a man… But y taking urself to the point of suicide when u have so much to do… Other than this.. Just make sure that u consider urself as a man… What people think that their point of view n how hard we try we cant fix it… But wt u think of urself that matters the most… Living with desires will only make u sad n depressed.. N see bro i know U ARE A MAN n I AM PROUD OF U THAT U HAVE CAME SO FAR N I DONT WANT U TO LOSE THIS BATTLE OF LIFE IT IS A BEAUTIFUL JOURNEY WITH DIFFERENT ADVENTURES JUST MAKE IT A BEAUTIFUL RIDE ❤❤

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      4. I not saying I’ll attempt suicide again. And I’m not saying that I do not consider myself a man. I know I am. That’s why I’m transitioning. For my own happiness. To feel comfortable in my own skin.

        There are non-binary, as well as binary, transgender people who do not suffer from dysphoria and therefore do not wish to transition in a medical way like I do. That’s all

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