I’m Devastated

Trigger Warning; language, female body functions, eating disorder, self harm, mention of suicide

When I started testosterone my period stopped instantly. It was the major reason why my depression had improved so much. I was able to eat a lot more, I gained weight and was the happiest I’ve ever been. But as soon as they put me on the 14 weeks shots my body started protesting. Mind you, I was 24 weeks on T at this point. From that day on I’ve gotten cramps almost exactly 2 weeks before my new shot. Since they did quite a few blood tests and told me that I am completely fine I tried to ignore my instincts, calling myself paranoid, I completely lost my appetite again, losing the weight I was so comfortable with. I literally had to start resisting my eating disorder again. I wasn’t paranoid. Honestly at this point I was only waiting for it to happen, but that doesn’t make it any less worse. I started hurting myself, trying desperately to ignore the pain that was a lot different than usually this time around. I hit my lower abdomen and started to grab my skin to the point of it leaving marks from the fingernails digging into myself. I started to bleed 4 days before getting my fresh dose. I was right. And it explained so, so much. Basically they kept me on the lowest dose possible, which is why I was having mood swings and waves of depression crashing onto me. I was doing my best the first weeks after my new shot, but it only got worse and worse each month.
I talked to my doctor about it, told them how miserable I am and they promised to call me back this week and tell me how often I’ll be receiving my shots from now on. If they still put me on 14 weeks I swear to god I have to talk to them again. They’re playing with my mental health and I am not exaggerating when I say that I will seriously hurt myself if they do not fix the level of testosterone in my blood. I suffer extreme dypshoria 24/7, I can’t even fucking pee without feeling disgusted.
I am not transitioning for fun, for me this is a matter of life and death.

If I couldn’t transition, if anyone tries to take away any kind of access to get every single surgery I’d definitely kill myself. If my doctor refuses to give me more shots I will tell them. I am not here to let them hurt me, and if that means I have to “threaten” them, I will.

Being trans is not a joke, it’s not fun, it’s not cute. I’m not a “smoll bean uwu” that needs to be protected. I am a grown man.

I am not doing well. I’m miserable, I barely eat, I don’t smile or laugh anymore. I’m literally about to relapse. My family started calling me a zombie. They do not know about this. All they do is complain. They don’t even ask if anything happened.

 

I’m not sorry.

Sylver

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3 thoughts on “I’m Devastated

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  1. Ok—-hope things look up soon. Remember everything is temporary even when it feels like it’s too much to handle.
    Sometimes when I’m in the deepest darkest throes, the only thing that keeps me from offing myself is wanting to know what I’ll look like a year or two from now, and so as vain as that it keeps me going.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey,
    Really sorry you’re going through this, I understand how having your T levels out of wack can really mess up mood.
    Listen, I respect your experience, but I sincerely advise against threatening to kill yourself to a doctor—the last thing you want is to be thrown into a psych unit, where you may be deadnamed and referred to as female—-and if you get involuntarily committed you have no say whether or not you want out. Threatening something like that to a doctor is not the best idea. If you’re in a place where you do feel like you are going to kill yourself, you need to get to a counselor as soon as possible. If you are in acute distress and are going to act upon the impulse to off yourself, it’s better to go to the hospital than in the ground. If you voluntarily commit yourself you can leave whenever you want.
    If you need someone to talk to call the Trans Lifeline: US: 877-565-8860 Canada: 877-330-6366
    Please reconsider threatening this to your doctor-it will do you more harm than good and it will not get you what you need.

    Like

    1. They wouldn’t deadname or misgender me, I payed 2k to have that all changed. So I’m legally male.
      But yea I know it’s not a good idea to do that, I’m just literally devastated and done with the world..
      Thanks for your advice. I Really appreciate it!

      Like

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