⌈Trigger Warning; language, female body functions, eating disorder, self harm, mention of suicide⌋
When I started testosterone my period stopped instantly. It was the major reason why my depression had improved so much. I was able to eat a lot more, I gained weight and was the happiest I’ve ever been. But as soon as they put me on the 14 weeks shots my body started protesting. Mind you, I was 24 weeks on T at this point. From that day on I’ve gotten cramps almost exactly 2 weeks before my new shot. Since they did quite a few blood tests and told me that I am completely fine I tried to ignore my instincts, calling myself paranoid, I completely lost my appetite again, losing the weight I was so comfortable with. I literally had to start resisting my eating disorder again. I wasn’t paranoid. Honestly at this point I was only waiting for it to happen, but that doesn’t make it any less worse. I started hurting myself, trying desperately to ignore the pain that was a lot different than usually this time around. I hit my lower abdomen and started to grab my skin to the point of it leaving marks from the fingernails digging into myself. I started to bleed 4 days before getting my fresh dose. I was right. And it explained so, so much. Basically they kept me on the lowest dose possible, which is why I was having mood swings and waves of depression crashing onto me. I was doing my best the first weeks after my new shot, but it only got worse and worse each month.
I talked to my doctor about it, told them how miserable I am and they promised to call me back this week and tell me how often I’ll be receiving my shots from now on. If they still put me on 14 weeks I swear to god I have to talk to them again. They’re playing with my mental health and I am not exaggerating when I say that I will seriously hurt myself if they do not fix the level of testosterone in my blood. I suffer extreme dypshoria 24/7, I can’t even fucking pee without feeling disgusted.
I am not transitioning for fun, for me this is a matter of life and death.
If I couldn’t transition, if anyone tries to take away any kind of access to get every single surgery I’d definitely kill myself. If my doctor refuses to give me more shots I will tell them. I am not here to let them hurt me, and if that means I have to “threaten” them, I will.
Being trans is not a joke, it’s not fun, it’s not cute. I’m not a “smoll bean uwu” that needs to be protected. I am a grown man.
I am not doing well. I’m miserable, I barely eat, I don’t smile or laugh anymore. I’m literally about to relapse. My family started calling me a zombie. They do not know about this. All they do is complain. They don’t even ask if anything happened.
I’m not sorry.