The Childhood I Never Had

We're in the Zoo, letting the kids play for a while. I watch them. I can see a group of boys jumping and running around. Kicking, hitting, laughing. "My muscles are bigger than yours!" Sitting in a cafe I can see a group of guys outside. Teasing each other, talking about how their voice changes, laughing. I can... Continue Reading →

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Hurt Feelings & Missing Freedom

I'm back from my little trip. Back home from Edinburgh. The day I woke up at 4am to go back was a sad one. I wanted to stay, because I knew as soon as I'm back I'll me misgendered again. I'll be hurt again. I'll be worried about not being masculine enough. Because in Scotland... Continue Reading →

Let Me Run Away For a While

I feel stuck. Stuck in life, in my transitioning. Even though I am now officially diagnosed as transgender and will recieve HRT starting October. I feel stuck. Honestly I just wanted to run away, but where to go? I don't want to stay somewhere all by myself. And as I was thinking to myself when... Continue Reading →

Forced Patience

Whenever I'm talking with other transgender men about how much it sucks having to wait, they usually end up telling me that I just need to be patient. That patience is the key. And I catch myself telling other fellow transgender online the very same thing. I think this is the biggest lie we are... Continue Reading →

It’s Been 10 Years

⌈Trigger warning; eating disorder⌋ I was 10 years old when I first pushed my fingers down my throat. It was the first time I forced my body to puke, when I became addicted to the feeling. The feeling of control, the pain in my throat, my stomach tightening, the pressure that causes vessels to burst creating... Continue Reading →

Sometimes I Want to Die

But then I don't. To be honest I only have one reason to not die and keep going. One. And that is that I do not want to die in a girls body. I don't want my birthname written on my gravestone. I'd be a girl in everyones memory. Only the thought of it makes me feel... Continue Reading →

My Hormones are Killing Me

I hate this. I hate how I'm feeling every second of every day. The way I exist makes me not want to be in this world. I didn't ask to be born with an uterus. Its mere existence grosses me out and I just want to dig my fingers into that womb, that womb of a stranger, because... Continue Reading →

Patience & Misgendering

Getting misgendered is awful. It doesn't only give me emotional pain, but also physical. But yelling at those people who do that, doesn't help. And it's not okay, unless it was intentional, which it usually isn't. I tend to forget that changing what you're used to takes time. It's not easy for my surrounding to... Continue Reading →

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