Reading is my passion. It is my safe-zone. It is, when I’m allowed to cry, to let feelings be feelings. I don’t think while reading, I drown into the story, become a quite person in it, watching the scene. Or experiencing an adventure.
I used to only read Thriller. Psychothriller as a preference. But the moment I got a novel from my mum for my birthday, I realized how much I’ve longed for… Well, peace. Since there isn’t much in my own life. Just having a book, a story pressed against my chest makes me feel more comfortable.
But reading isn’t the only thing I do.
I write. But since September I didn’t… Not a single sentence… It upsets me. Because I really want to! But, whenever I try, it starts getting harder each sentence. Feelings. I don’t know how to express myself, I forgot words of my mother tongue even though I need it every day. I have a hard time to express myself, when not talking or writing in English. It’s the only time I don’t feel stupid, I feel more like the opposite. I feel comfortable. I feel like I’m more aware of what I’m saying, less insecure of how I try to say things. So I thought I should write in English, but there’s a problem: I’ve never learned that. And I’m actually bad at grammar, which I’m trying to teach myself. I’m scared to write wrong. I really am. I’ve never had the guts to show my German-written stories before, how could I ever manage to write something completely in English and actually let people read it?
Why can’t I be more confident… Or at least NOT German. I may be born there, I may be 100% German if you look at the Biological side, but I’ve never been it in my heart. The moment I started learning English, the moment I was able to build my first sentence, was like all those years, I wasn’t able to talk at all.
-xoxo
cmofhappiness 
Well -this blog is a good start. Reading it was not a problem at all. So you are a lot better at English than you may think. So keep writing and let readers leave feedback. Good luck!
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Thank you! I really appreciate that. I’m glad that I’m improving
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There are been some great writers whose mother tongue was not English, like Joseph Conrad. And your English here is fine. Better than many of my former English Composition students when i was teaching! For literature, it’s not about perfect grammar (there’s no such thing), but the power of expression, the shape of the story, the clarity of vision and thought. When I say, no such thing as perfect grammar–I mean that there is tremendous variation within English, and what’s usually meant by ‘perfect grammar’ is but one of those many variants. Because English has absorbed elements from so many other languages–if there’s a certain German flavor that shows through, not only is that ok, that’s what adds to the richness of the language. That English isn’t your other tongue has real advantages, as well as being a challenge.
Don’t let anyone tell you what’s good or bad–read widely and deeply, and do what gives you pleasure and you can’t go wrong!
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Thanks for this inspiring comment 🙂
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I meant, of course…”mother tongue’ … not ‘other’ !
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